I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
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Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food