i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
You Might Also Like
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I need a headline like this
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
This probably isn’t good
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?