BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
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The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Very problematic
meanwhile over on facebook