cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
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I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
3% human
97% stress
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas