Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
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wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Received some very disappointing news today
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT