Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
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Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Me My dog
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down