my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
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if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.