One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
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BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.