[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
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“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
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Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home