I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
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“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
#ProTip
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.