It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
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One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??