Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
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I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
My ideal weight is five million dollars