They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
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If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Trumpy Cat
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.