Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
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My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.