Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
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Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.