I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
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KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
The Assassin.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.