Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
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This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.