Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
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what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.