Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
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Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
SPLOOT
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”