dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
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[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish