#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
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IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
That was easy.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Yes, but it was never about money
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though