“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
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I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Sorry not sorry.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Not messing around
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.