Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
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I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”