Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
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I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.