COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
You Might Also Like
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*