ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
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most whales are bigger than a strawberry
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.