I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
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I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed