Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
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[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Yep.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside