i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
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[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world