Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
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I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.