Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
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It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
welcome back
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for