59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
You Might Also Like
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
If only.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
oh you wanna fight?!
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule