My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
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The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶