Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
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*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]