People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
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Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.