You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
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The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE