This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
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Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.