If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school