Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
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That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*