farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
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You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?