“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
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Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
meow
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around