Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
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I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
accurate
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.