My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
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Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please