Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
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Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Lol.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy