My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
You Might Also Like
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.