Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
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One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Well well well…
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Me trying to look natural in photos
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.