{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
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All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???