My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
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always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Denise please return my vape pen
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.