Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
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Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
sry
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.