My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
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As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids